You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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