i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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