I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
