no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
