Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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