census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
