new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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