I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Drunk walkin through police station. America
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
