You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
you never un-have a 4some
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
