I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
