Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
is it fun? or sober?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
