dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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