If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
