Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
