i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
