Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
