i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
