see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
