Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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