I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
