I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
