She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize