I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
