He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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