Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
