So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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