I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
