im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
