Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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