i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
