The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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