drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
