1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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