if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize