Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Congratulations! We have a period
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