I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
