i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
