so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize