I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
