fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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