Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
how do flat chested girls get laid?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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