You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
