you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
FUCK WHALES
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