Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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