Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
