Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
