is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm sobbing to NWA
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
