He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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