It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Randomize
