I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
