I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
the day after is always just damage control
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
