Pappa wants mamma naked
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
