I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
