After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
