I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
