Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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