yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
