don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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