I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Semen is not good for contacts.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
