Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
