I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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