I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
