sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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