I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
